Unknown

I fear the unknown. I fear change, even when I know it will bring happiness. I muse about my life.. about how much time I take out of my own life to help others. Though I want to believe I am a good Samaritan and do it purely for them; I know this to be false. I drowned myself in others' problems, as to have the perfect excuse as to why I do not have enough time to focus on my own. I see this, I understand this, but .. like all 'awesome'ly lame people I ignore what is right in front of my face. I fear my emotions, I fear the needs and desires of my heart. I dread that they won't match the life I have laid out in front of me. I fear that what I want.. isn't what I have- and more dire is my fear of sounding ungrateful. I am not. I do not take for granted what I have. I do though, believe I deserve every happiness in this world. I don't want to be a "settler".  To settle because what I have is "good" and I'm not "miserable".
I fear knowledge and education. Yet, I love both of these gifts passionately. I fear knowing too much, but not knowing enough. My sister Elise and my father are shining stars to me, concerning the power of knowledge.  To have the desire to know so much, for no reason at all- and to actually act upon that desire, hits the bar standard of amazing to me.
 I fear being a mother. I fear being a birthmother. I fear my past, and the tragic effect it could have upon my children. I fear fate. I fear Karma. Yet, sadly I wish them both upon my enemies. I fear having to tell the truth.. having to stand metaphorically naked in front of the world to be scoffed at and judged. I hate the emotion of failure. I hate the need to have to impress. I hate the reflex in my heart to judge, when I get so bruised when others judge me too quickly.
I hate the dark and the slow approach of nightmares that engulf my nights.. I hate the need to sleep- at times like these I wish I was a Vampire. And lastly... I hate pine cones.

I believe everyone has fears.. not necessarily of spiders, or sharks, water, or snakes... but fears of what grows inside of them (no, not children). Fears that they will never be able to live up to that one expectation that lays on the horizon. Do fears keep us alive? Are our fears what drive us forward, or halt our progress? Should fears be banned from our lives, or kept to lead us in the true direction of our hearts? I do not know.. I don't know what meaning fear holds anymore than I know or understand why I even have the fears I have. I do know that some of my fears push my progression- while others I cannot shake. I have lived my life with the constant growing feeling that I have to turn around and check what is following behind me. When I turn.. there is nothing. Yet the nag continues, until I have to look again..
I do not want to live my life in regret or in sorrow. I have witnessed suffering. I have witnessed pain. I want more for myself and my girls. I expect more for us. I will work to achieve more for us. I will not look back again- my past will not have power to haunt me. The past will stay in the past. I fear courage- but now is my time to find my own and grasp it with every ounce of my soul.

I can do this. I will do this. I pinky promise.