Friendship

I've recently hit a stand still in my life. I cannot move forward and I cannot move back. I search and search my heart for a solution, yet I remain stuck. I keep turning back, wanting....wishing...hoping--yet knowing my past will never catch back up to me. I can never have this thing that I cannot let go of. So how do I convince my heart to look only forward, and do so.. with only happiness and peace in mind? Friendship. Rely on those I trust to help me. I am not naive. I fully understand that right now in my life, I cannot do this alone. I have God. I believe that. Yet, I desire the physical form of a friend.
I have that friend. I am blessed to have that friend. I hear stories so often where friendships fail because of dishonesty, greed, anger, trust, and even their personalities just growing apart. I don't fear any of those things. I fear loss. Do you have that one friendship, where you know your heart would break if you lost it? You wouldn't know how to survive without it. It has slowly over the years grown to be intricately wound into even the smallest aspects of your life. I have that friendship.  I have fallen in love with that friendship.

The confusing part now is that I have to be completely contradictory. The first friendship that I run open arms to; the one I depend on as my life support, has to come to an end. This unfortunately drags me back to why my life is at a stand still. I am terribly frightened to have to move forward without this friendship. I am heart broken and shattered. Yet, I have no choice. It is for the best; the best for both of us. I recently wrote that I fear the unknown, that I fear change. To view the unknown future of my life without this friendship seems impossible... To change the person who I confide in to receive strength, seems unimaginable... I have slowly become depressed and cannot shake the ever present feelings of doubt and regret. What do I do? The things shared within the friendship are sacred and personal. Matters of our souls that are not for the feint of heart. I wish things did not have to change. I want things to be easy- yet life..is never easy.

I need to for the first time in too many years, find my own strength. To stand with my head held high, with the knowledge that friendships are decorative blessings- not pillars onto which I build my temple. I am grateful for every person that has befriended me. Everyone of you who stuck by my side. To this friendship that I must part with-- I love you, you were there when I needed you most, I honor you, I respect you, and remember that I will gravely miss you..forever.