Friendship

I've recently hit a stand still in my life. I cannot move forward and I cannot move back. I search and search my heart for a solution, yet I remain stuck. I keep turning back, wanting....wishing...hoping--yet knowing my past will never catch back up to me. I can never have this thing that I cannot let go of. So how do I convince my heart to look only forward, and do so.. with only happiness and peace in mind? Friendship. Rely on those I trust to help me. I am not naive. I fully understand that right now in my life, I cannot do this alone. I have God. I believe that. Yet, I desire the physical form of a friend.
I have that friend. I am blessed to have that friend. I hear stories so often where friendships fail because of dishonesty, greed, anger, trust, and even their personalities just growing apart. I don't fear any of those things. I fear loss. Do you have that one friendship, where you know your heart would break if you lost it? You wouldn't know how to survive without it. It has slowly over the years grown to be intricately wound into even the smallest aspects of your life. I have that friendship.  I have fallen in love with that friendship.

The confusing part now is that I have to be completely contradictory. The first friendship that I run open arms to; the one I depend on as my life support, has to come to an end. This unfortunately drags me back to why my life is at a stand still. I am terribly frightened to have to move forward without this friendship. I am heart broken and shattered. Yet, I have no choice. It is for the best; the best for both of us. I recently wrote that I fear the unknown, that I fear change. To view the unknown future of my life without this friendship seems impossible... To change the person who I confide in to receive strength, seems unimaginable... I have slowly become depressed and cannot shake the ever present feelings of doubt and regret. What do I do? The things shared within the friendship are sacred and personal. Matters of our souls that are not for the feint of heart. I wish things did not have to change. I want things to be easy- yet life..is never easy.

I need to for the first time in too many years, find my own strength. To stand with my head held high, with the knowledge that friendships are decorative blessings- not pillars onto which I build my temple. I am grateful for every person that has befriended me. Everyone of you who stuck by my side. To this friendship that I must part with-- I love you, you were there when I needed you most, I honor you, I respect you, and remember that I will gravely miss you..forever.

Unknown

I fear the unknown. I fear change, even when I know it will bring happiness. I muse about my life.. about how much time I take out of my own life to help others. Though I want to believe I am a good Samaritan and do it purely for them; I know this to be false. I drowned myself in others' problems, as to have the perfect excuse as to why I do not have enough time to focus on my own. I see this, I understand this, but .. like all 'awesome'ly lame people I ignore what is right in front of my face. I fear my emotions, I fear the needs and desires of my heart. I dread that they won't match the life I have laid out in front of me. I fear that what I want.. isn't what I have- and more dire is my fear of sounding ungrateful. I am not. I do not take for granted what I have. I do though, believe I deserve every happiness in this world. I don't want to be a "settler".  To settle because what I have is "good" and I'm not "miserable".
I fear knowledge and education. Yet, I love both of these gifts passionately. I fear knowing too much, but not knowing enough. My sister Elise and my father are shining stars to me, concerning the power of knowledge.  To have the desire to know so much, for no reason at all- and to actually act upon that desire, hits the bar standard of amazing to me.
 I fear being a mother. I fear being a birthmother. I fear my past, and the tragic effect it could have upon my children. I fear fate. I fear Karma. Yet, sadly I wish them both upon my enemies. I fear having to tell the truth.. having to stand metaphorically naked in front of the world to be scoffed at and judged. I hate the emotion of failure. I hate the need to have to impress. I hate the reflex in my heart to judge, when I get so bruised when others judge me too quickly.
I hate the dark and the slow approach of nightmares that engulf my nights.. I hate the need to sleep- at times like these I wish I was a Vampire. And lastly... I hate pine cones.

I believe everyone has fears.. not necessarily of spiders, or sharks, water, or snakes... but fears of what grows inside of them (no, not children). Fears that they will never be able to live up to that one expectation that lays on the horizon. Do fears keep us alive? Are our fears what drive us forward, or halt our progress? Should fears be banned from our lives, or kept to lead us in the true direction of our hearts? I do not know.. I don't know what meaning fear holds anymore than I know or understand why I even have the fears I have. I do know that some of my fears push my progression- while others I cannot shake. I have lived my life with the constant growing feeling that I have to turn around and check what is following behind me. When I turn.. there is nothing. Yet the nag continues, until I have to look again..
I do not want to live my life in regret or in sorrow. I have witnessed suffering. I have witnessed pain. I want more for myself and my girls. I expect more for us. I will work to achieve more for us. I will not look back again- my past will not have power to haunt me. The past will stay in the past. I fear courage- but now is my time to find my own and grasp it with every ounce of my soul.

I can do this. I will do this. I pinky promise.